It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
