I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.