The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.