the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
