i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
