Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
