I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
