I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
