rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
