I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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