I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
