An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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