The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
