I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
