??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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