The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You can't just leave with hair like that
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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