dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
