your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I still have a little drunk in my system
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
