I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
