im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
