and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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