Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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