Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize