Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Boobs speak an international language.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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