I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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