hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize