There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
two words...techno handjob
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
