Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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