I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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