She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
