shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
