Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
