made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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