The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
