The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
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5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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