Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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