I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
