ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
wow bdsm is so cute
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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