1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
