There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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