I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
