I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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