I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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