Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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