Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
