yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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