did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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