My friends, they love my intelligence
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
