Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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