You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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