I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
