defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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