Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
