Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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