Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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